Coming to You Live
by Whisperwill
Summary: Originally written in script format, except for the final scene. w/ OC. Reporter Tessie travels to Konohagakure to interview the ninja there. In the process, she gets a little more excitement than she bargained for. Rated K-plus for minor bleeding.
1. Scene 1: The Question of the Hour

**Coming to You Live**

"We join 'Tactless' Tessie McGuther as she travels to—" the narrator of the story began grandly.

"I'm not tactless!" Tessie interrupted indignantly.

"Oh, pardon me—ahem!—We join Tessie McGuther, ace reporter _extraordinaire_ , as she travels to Konohagakure Village to answer that burning question: What makes a ninja a ninja?" the narrator said.

"Thank you, Mr. Narrator. I am coming to you live from that jewel of the Land of Tree and Leaf, the Village Hidden in the Leaves! And what a beautiful little village it is." Tessie angled her video camera to take in the streets where ninja were walking. "It is here that I will attempt to answer that very question—what is it that makes a ninja? Their secret thoughts? Their speed, agility, or strength? Their mysterious arts? Their will? Maybe all of these, maybe none, are the correct answer—but I'm not the right one to ask. That's why I'm here: to get the answer straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak. I'm going to ask the ninja themselves!"


	2. Scene 2: No Takers

Tessie stood, microphone in hand, in front of Konohagakure's Ninja Academy. Just behind her were dozens of students practicing their _katas_ while older ninja supervised.

Tessie tried to talk to the ninja. "Excuse me. Excuse me, do any of you have a moment? Excuse me—"

"What do you think you're doing?" a ninja cut her off, stopping next to her. "Can't you see that class is in session?"

"Oh, I just want to ask one of you a couple of questions," Tessie wheedled. "It won't take long, I promise. How about if I start with you?"

"No," said the ninja flatly. "All students and teachers are busy at the moment, including myself. If you want to talk to one of us, you'll have to wait until school lets out this afternoon." He left before she had a chance to say more.

"But—oh, well. There are plenty more ninja to ask. Stay tuned, folks!" Tessie said brightly.


	3. Scene 3: Cell 10

Tessie stood, microphone in hand, in front of three young ninja—two boys and a girl—and an older ninja with a beard.

"Goood morning, I'm Tessie McGuther, reporting from Konoha's training grounds—"

"Actually, this is just a regular forest," the chubby boy interrupted her.

"Oh. Well, I'm Tessie McGuther, reporting from the forest surrounding Konohagakure, here to ask these ninja the question of the hour: what is it that makes a ninja? May I start with you, young man?" Tessie asked.

"Who, me?" the chubby boy said.

"Yes, indeed. What is your name?" Tessie began.

"Akimichi Choji," the chubby boy recited.

"So, Akimichi, how would you answer the question? What makes a ninja?" Tessie asked.

"Uh . . . talent?" Choji hesitantly threw out his answer.

The boy with the ponytail spoke up with much more confidence. "Speed. Agility. Strength." He stuck his finger lazily into his ear. "What kind of vague question is that, anyway? How are you supposed to answer it?"

"Why, you answer it however you wish, of course," Tessie answered eagerly. "May I ask your name?"

"Shikamaru," the boy with the ponytail answered boredly. "Is this going to take a lot of time? 'Cause, no offense, but we're supposed to be training right now. . ."

The man with the beard chuckled. "Listening to you say that, Shikamaru, someone might think that you actually look forward to training."

Tessie turned to question him next. "And who might you be, sir?"

"Name's Asuma," the man with the beard said in a relaxed sort of way. "I'm the leader of these three." He lit a cigarette for himself and offered one to Tessie. "You like one?"

"No, thank you; I don't smoke," Tessie refused politely.

"Good policy. It's bad for your health," Master Asuma said.

The blonde girl pointedly stared at Choji, who was delving into a bag of chips. "So is eating too much," she said irritably.

Shikamaru smirked at her. "What about starving yourself for a full twenty-four hours?"

"It's called a _diet_ —not that you would know anything about it," the blonde girl said defensively.

"And how would you answer the question, miss . . . ?" Tessie said to the blonde girl.

"Ino, and it's obvious what makes a ninja. Strength of body and mind," the blonde girl answered promptly.

"If that isn't a textbook definition, I don't know what is," Master Asuma said. He grinned. "Nice to know I taught 'em something. He puffed on his cigarette while Tessie held the microphone to his lips. "If I tell you _my_ answer, will you let us get on with training?"

"Oh, of course, sir," Tessie agreed readily.

"Then I agree with my team. Everything they said is right," Master Asuma said.

"But that isn't—" Tessie started to say.

Master Asuma held up a finger. "Ah-ah—you said we were done once I answered the question."

"But—" Tessie pleaded.

Asuma nodded to the other three, and they leaped as one into the air, bounding and rebounding off tree trunks until they were too high up to be within earshot.


	4. Scene 4: The Sand Siblings

Tessie raced to catch up to three young ninja strolling down the street. "Excuse me! Excuse me, do you children have a moment?" Tessie called.

" 'Children'?" the girl with multiple ponytails repeated coolly.

"I'm in the process of interviewing numerous ninja in the area, asking all of them the same question: what is it that makes a ninja?" Tessie said. She planted herself determinedly in their path and held up the microphone indiscriminately. "Anyone?"

"Get out of my way," said the disturbing-looking boy emotionlessly.

"Oh, you have time to answer one question, surely?" said Tessie brightly.

"Get out of my way, unless you want me to kill you," said the disturbing-looking boy coldly.

The girl with multiple ponytails and the boy with the mannequin case shared an alarmed glance.

The girl with multiple ponytails shoved Tessie to one side. "We really don't have time to talk right now."

The boy with the mannequin case joined in to shove Tessie farther away. "Get outta here!"


	5. Scene 5: The Third Hokage

Tessie approached an old man with a fancy headdress.

"You're new in town, aren't you, miss?" the old man said.

"That's right, sir, I am," Tessie said. "My name is Tessie McGuther, and I'm on a mission to get the answer to one of life's most burning questions—what is it that makes a ninja?"

"Hmm. That's a difficult question to answer," the old man said thoughtfully.

"But sir, if I might be so forward, you _are_ the Hokage, are you not? Who in this entire village would know the answer better than you?" Tessie said.

"I mean that it's a difficult question to answer succinctly," the Third Hokage explained. "There are so many reasons— too many to name—that combine to give the ninja's life meaning. He sighed and considered the question for a long while; Tessie shifted impatiently from foot to foot. "What makes a ninja . . ." He smiled slightly. ". . . is the will. The will to protect the village, that burns in every one of them. That is what makes the ninja of Konoha ninja."

Tessie wrote this down. "Thank you, sir." She hurried away.

"Who _is_ that girl, anyway?" the Third Hokage muttered.


	6. Scene 6: Cell 8

Tessie walked up to a young female ninja. "Hi, there, I'm Tessie McGuther, a reporter trying to get the perspective on all angles concerning the following question: what makes a ninja a ninja?"

The girl with strange eyes was taken by surprise at Tessie's sudden entrance. "Oh! Um, uh. . .

"Don't be shy! Speak right up!" Tessie encouraged.

The girl with strange eyes continued to stammer and fidget with her fingers.

A boy with a little dog on his shoulder marched up to them. "Hinata! Is this woman bothering you?" the boy with the little dog demanded.

"Not at all!" Tessie denied cheerfully. "I'm just trying to get an answer from all the fine ninja in this town for the following question—what makes a ninja?"

An impassive boy with sunglasses wandered up. "And you're going to ask every shinobi in town? That could take days," the boy with sunglasses said.

The back of Tessie's head beaded with sweat at the daunting thought.

"But if you want my opinion, what makes a ninja is his skill. Ninjutsu, genjutsu, taijutsu—all three skills combine to make a ninja; and the ninja who excels at all three is the best of them all," the boy with sunglasses said.

The boy with the little dog jumped into the conversation. "What makes a ninja is his strength." He flexed his biceps, and the little dog barked in agreement. "The strongest ones are the ones who survive, after all."

"And how about you, miss—Hinata, was it?—what do you think?" Tessie asked.

"Um, well. . ." Hinata mumbled.

The boy with the little dog stepped in front of Hinata protectively. "You don't have to answer her if she's buggin' you, Hinata."

"You know I don't like that term," the boy with sunglasses said with the slightest edge in his voice.

"What? 'Bugging'? C'mon, Shino, it's just an expression!" the boy with the little dog said impatiently.

Shino glared over the top of his glasses.

"All right, all right, I'm sorry. Don't get excited," the boy with the little dog said.

A willowy woman with dark hair appeared. "You're supposed to be practicing the art of concealment," the dark-haired woman said to the young ninja.

"We were about to, but—" the boy with the little dog started to say before he was cut off.

"I don't want any of your excuses, Kiba," the dark-haired woman said sternly.

"Um, excuse me, Master Kurenai, but this woman wanted to ask us some questions. . ." Hinata said timidly.

"Oh, she did?" Master Kurenai cast Tessie an annoyed glance. "Well, are you quite finished, miss, now that you've interrupted my students' training?"

"Well, actually, I was hoping to get your opinion as well, Master Kurenai, on one of the great questions of our time—" Tessie plowed on, clueless.

"I'm sorry, but we have work to do. You'll have to leave now, miss," Master Kurenai said.

"But—" Tessie tried.

"Goodbye," Master Kurenai said flatly.


	7. Scene 7: Iruka-sensei

Tessie approached a restaurant in the center of the village. "Good afternoon, folks, I'm Tessie McGuther, reporting to you live from Konohagakure's ramen bar, here to interview—um. . ." She hesitated, looking back and forth, before she noticed a ninja sitting on a bar stool. She raced over to him. ". . .This fine ninja!"

"Uh . . . hi, there," the ninja with a scar said uncertainly.

"Good afternoon, I'm Tessie McGuther, ace reporter here to get the scoop on the question on everyone's mind—just what makes a ninja a ninja." She put on a manufactured smile for the camera. "What's your name, sir?"

The ninja with a scar was bemused by Tessie's mannerisms. " 'Scoop' . . . 'ace' . . . you have a strange way of talking, Miss Tessie."

"Yes, I'm just passing through town," Tessie said brightly.

"So I've gathered." The ninja with a scar returned to eating his ramen noodles. "Well, my name is Iruka, and I'm sorry, but I have barely enough time to eat as it is. I'm supposed to be back at the Academy in a few minutes."

"But—but I've hardly gotten any real interviews so far! No one will talk to me." Tessie's shoulders hunched with genuine dejection.

Iruka sighed indulgently. "All right, I guess I can answer your question, although I'm not sure it's the one on everyone's mind. What makes a ninja a ninja is their will of fire—that is, the desire to protect their village with everything they've got, even their lives."

Tessie muttered as she scribbled in her notebook. " 'Will of fire' . . . oh, that sounds just like the Hokage."

Iruka smiled. "That doesn't surprise me." He pushed back his stool and got up. "And now I've really got to be going." He turned to Tessie. "If you really want an audience for your camera, someone who will talk to you, you should see Master Guy."

"Master Guy?" Tessie repeated.

"Yes, he teaches three _genin_ from our village. Don't worry; you won't be disappointed." Iruka waved and jogged off.


	8. Scene 8: Master Guy's Cell

Tessie came upon the town's group of totems, where she met Master Guy and his cell. "Ooh! Master Guy! Master Guy, can you possibly spare a moment?" she called.

"Huh? Who're you?" Master Guy said.

"I'm Tessie McGuther, reporting live from Konohagakure Village, where I've just encountered Master Guy and his students. Master Guy, can you tell me, in your opinion, the answer to the question, 'What makes a ninja?' " Tessie asked.

Master Guy was slow on the uptake. "Uh, 'reporting live'? You mean . . ." His eyes suddenly shone. "You mean you're a reporter? With a camera?"

Tessie held the microphone up to him eagerly. "That's right, I am. Can you tell our viewers your views on this issue?"

Master Guy answered with tears of joy in his eyes. "I would be happy to." He paused dramatically. "I was born in this fine village to two fine parents, both of them fine ninja. From the earliest age, I wanted to be a _jonin_ —as I am now, you understand—and my mother and father could see that I would become a very fine ninja, one of the greats, and as you well know, I didn't disappoint them. . ." He rambled on and on about his accomplishments, overusing the word _fine_ and frequently mentioninghow much better he was than the other _jonin_ of the village. Tessie feverishly wrote everything he said down in her notebook, while a young boy who looked like a miniature version of Guy listened raptly to the speech, obviously moved by the words. A girl with her hair bunched into two buns and a boy with strange eyes quickly grew tired of listening and began ninja training in the background.

Master Guy continued. ". . . and during my _chunin_ exams—which I passed with flying colors, of course—I astounded every _jonin_ present with my feats of skill, doing much better, I might add, than a certain other _genin_ named Kakashi . . . although that might have been because he was younger . . ."

Tessie took advantage of his pause. "That's all quite _fascinating_ , Master Guy, but how does this apply to the question at hand?"

Master Guy, who had obviously forgotten the question, repeated, "Question?"

"Yes—the question of what makes a ninja a ninja," Tessie said.

"Oh! Yes, _that_ question." Master Guy cleared his throat and proceeded to give a long-winded definition of all the aspects and angles of a ninja's life, outlining what determined a ninja's goals, how a ninja would discredit his whole profession, and, by contrast, what made a ninja truly splendid. Tessie filmed and transcribed his whole speech, which ended up being half an hour long.

"And that is what truly constitutes a fine ninja," Master Guy trumpeted in conclusion.

Tessie panted and flexed her writing hand. "Thank you very much, Master Guy. I think I may have enough material for a mini-series by now."

Master Guy flashed a sparkling smile.

"And now, may I ask the question of you childr—er, young ninja? How about I start with you, Mister . . ." Tessie said.

"Rock, Rock Lee," the miniature version of Guy introduced himself eagerly. He puffed out his chest and began. "I was born in this very village, the son of fine, illustrious ninja. My father's name was—"

Tessie acted quickly to prevent another monologue. "Oh, that's quite all right, Rock; I don't believe I'll be needing your life's story at this time, but it would be wonderful if I could get your reply to the question of the day—what makes a ninja?"

"Oh. All right." Lee tapped his finger against his chin while he thought. "A ninja is a great ninja when he can be stronger than other ninja, but he doesn't use that power to serve himself—he uses it to serve others."

Touched by Lee's answer, Master Guy said, "I couldn't come up with a better answer myself, Lee." He clapped his student proudly on the shoulder. "You're growing into a fine ninja."

Tessie was slightly preoccupied while she finished writing. "Yes, indeed." She moved over to where the girl with her hair bunched into two buns was climbing an oak tree by stabbing it with kunai knives and pulling herself up, hand over hand. "And what do you think, miss?"

The girl with two buns dropped back to the ground. "That's easy! What makes a ninja great is being a great ninja!"

"But . . . but what does being a great ninja mean?" Tessie probed.

"Oh, you know—being brave, strong, dependable. Doing whatever needs to be done to protect the village at all costs, like Master Guy and Kakashi and Kurenai," the girl with two buns said.

Master Guy looked wounded. "Tenten! Are you saying that I'm no better than Kakashi?"

Tenten backtracked. "No, no, Master Guy, I only meant that . . ."

While they bantered back and forth, Tessie headed over to Guy's last student, who was hanging upside-down from a tree branch by the soles of his feet and doing sit-ups.

"And how about you, young man? Do you have anything to say on this?" Tessie asked.

The boy with strange eyes didn't answer.

"Excuse me, can you hear me up there? Young man? Might you possibly have your own take on this subject?" Tessie tried again.

"You probably won't get anything out of Neji. He's pretty serious when he's in the middle of training," Tenten said apologetically.

"Being a ninja is nothing more or less than being as strong as it is possible to be, so that you can kill anyone who opposes you instead of being killed yourself," Neji said flatly. He halted at the height of his sit-up and held the position.

"Oh. Well, uh, thank you very much, Neji." Tessie wrote this down and then turned to the other three. "And thank you very much for allowing me to interrupt your training, Rock, Tenten, Master Guy."

"Don't mention it, McGuther," Master Guy boomed cheerfully. He gave her another of his signature smiles. "Just be sure that I have a close-up on your tape."

"Oh, I will!" Tessie assured him.


	9. Scene 9: Fight in the Woods

Tessie ambled through dense woods, searching for Cell 7. "Hello? Hello, Master Kakashi, are you there? I was told I'd find you somewhere around here. Hellooo?"

Suddenly, a dozen ninja sprang down from the trees, surrounding Tessie. She gasped as Kakashi and three young ninja landed in front of her.

"Well, there goes our element of surprise," Master Kakashi said dryly. He bit down on his thumb and smeared a design on the grass with his own blood. "Sakura! Guard the girl!"

"Right!" Sakura said tensely. She leaped to Tessie's side and made the signs of sheep, snake, and tiger. "Bunshin no jutsu! Art of the doppelganger!" Tessie squeaked with shock as three more Sakuras appeared. The four girls encircled her, pulling out shuriken.

"Kuchiyose no jutsu! The art of summoning!" Master Kakashi shouted. A pack of dogs popped out of thin air at Kakashi's feet. "Let's make this quick."

Kakashi, the dogs, and the two boys leaped into battle, utilizing kunai knives, shuriken, clones, and various illusions to take down their foes. Within seconds, the battle was over.

Tessie gaped.

Master Kakashi walked over to them. "Perfect, Sakura." He ruffled her hair.

"That . . . was . . . amazing!" Tessie exclaimed.

The blonde boy pointed at her. "Who the heck are you?!" he bellowed unceremoniously.

"Be polite, Naruto," Master Kakashi said calmly.

"Why?" the dark-haired boy spoke up. "We had a mission to complete, and it could have ended in disaster because of her. She endangered herself, the mission . . . even us." He glared at Tessie.

Tessie laughed nervously. "It seems I've made a mistake. . ."

" 'Mistake,' nothing! You were an idiot!" Naruto raged.

Master Kakashi nudged Naruto back. "Pay no attention to my students." He shrugged. "They tend to get antsy when there are lives on the line."

Tessie blushed. "I'm very sorry—I thought you were training. . ."

Master Kakashi shrugged again. "It could happen to anyone, I suppose. Now, we've got to get back to the village." He pointed a thumb behind him. "Can you ride piggy-back?"

Tessie was confused. "Um, I . . .are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Well, I _was_ thinking of carrying you like a sack of rice, but—" Master Kakashi said.

"I'll ride piggy-back," said Tessie quickly.

She climbed onto his back, and the four ninja took off at breathtaking speed.


	10. Scene 10: Cell 7

Tessie and Cell 7 were back at the village. "Wow! I never knew ninja could travel that fast! It's like flying!" Tessie panted.

Master Kakashi peered at her. "You don't know that much about ninja at all, do you?"

"No, sir. I'm on a journey of discovery—to discover the ninja's answer to the question that's closest to their hearts: what exactly is it that makes a ninja a ninja?" Tessie said.

"Uh . . . who wants to know?" Master Kakashi said warily.

"My viewers, of course," Tessie said.

"Okay, we'll play along," Master Kakashi said reluctantly. To his students, he instructed, "Answer the nice girl's question."

"The way of the ninja adheres to strength of body and mind," Sakura said quickly, by rote.

"Very good," Master Kakashi praised her.

"Aaw, c'mon! I can't remember textbook definitions!" Naruto whined.

"Big surprise," the dark-haired boy scoffed.

"Well, how would you answer it, Mr. Know-It-All?" Naruto said angrily.

"The ninja is completely dedicated to his way. The strength of his vow, of his will, determines if he will be a great ninja . . ." the dark-haired boy said. He shot a sidelong look at Naruto. ". . . or just a loser."

"What did you say?!" Naruto yelled.

Master Kakashi inserted himself between the two boys. "Now, now, no fighting."

"Well, you're wrong! Ninja _are_ strong, but that's not what makes them great! What makes a ninja great is when he has to protect someone precious to him! 'Cause when he's protecting someone precious to him—it's only then that he can be _truly_ strong!" Naruto shouted.

". . . That's a good answer, Naruto," Master Kakashi said quietly.

Tessie, on whom the poignancy of the moment was lost, continued, "And _your_ answer, Master Kakashi?"

"I have none. Every shinobi has his own way, and you can't sum them all up in one sentence," Master Kakashi said.

"Then what's _your_ way?" Tessie said eagerly.

"That's for me to know," Master Kakashi said. He gestured at the village. "Come on, guys, we should let Lord Hokage know how our mission went. He'll want to know about the Sand Ninja on our territory." They left.

For the benefit of the camera, Tessie narrated, "Well, that was Cell 7 for you—and don't worry; the best is yet to come. I've saved the best for last!"


	11. Scene 11: First Sannin

Tessie trudged up to a little restaurant in a half-forgotten village in the middle of nowhere. "After asking . . . several h-u-n-d-r-e-d people . . . along the way . . . I have finally found her," Tessie panted. She pointed dramatically. "Legendary healer of the Great Shinobi Three, Lady Tsunade!"

A blonde lady at a gambling table whipped around. "Who wants to know?"

"Tessie, top-notch reporter, my lady. I'm here to see how the Three Greats answer this question—what makes a ninja a ninja?"

"The headband," Lady Tsunade said distractedly. She went back to her dice game.

". . . The headband? That's all?" Tessie said, hoping for more.

"Yup," Lady Tsunade said.

"But . . . but you're one of the Legendary Shinobi—" a disappointed Tessie began.

Lady Tsunade turned to face Tessie. "Listen, kid. A ninja is a ninja, like a reporter is a reporter. You do your job, you get paid, and that's it. Collect your money and don't die. Just staying alive is what makes a ninja great these days." She returned to the game.

"Well . . . there you have it, folks," Tessie finished lamely. She hesitated for a minute, then left.


	12. Scene 12: Second Sannin

Tessie trudged up to a little inn in another half-forgotten village in the middle of nowhere.

She gasped for breath. "After . . . extensive searching . . . I have found . . ." She pushed open the doors and walked into a dining room. At a table by the window was a man with a mane of pure white hair, surrounded by a cluster of beautiful women. ". . . uh . . . Lord Jiraiya."

"Hmm? Is someone calling me?" Lord Jiraiya said. He looked around and spotted Tessie. "Oh! Come to join the fun, eh?"

"Er . . . no, I'm Tessie McGuther, a reporter for—" Tessie tried to introduce herself.

"A reporter?" Lord Jiraiya interrupted. "Are you here to do a segment on my books?" he said eagerly.

"Well, no—but I suppose I can if you want—" Tessie said before he interrupted her once again.

"Great!" Lord Jiraiya said. He turned to the women. "I'll be right back, ladies." He dragged Tessie over to a corner table.

After setting up her camera, Tessie began dramatically, "I'm here to get the Jiraiya angle. So, Lord Jiraiya of the Legendary Three, what do you have to say about your other nickname, 'the Pervy Sage'?"

Lord Jiraiya went red. "Wh-whatever anyone said about that is totally untrue! Some kid in Konoha calls me that—as a joke—h-he's crazy; the name doesn't apply; you know how you can get labeled with something that's totally untrue—"

"I know!" Tessie exploded. "Like, you're doing a report on a hurricane-razed town, you ask _one_ tactless question, and you get branded for life with an embarrassing epithet! It may not be fair, it may not be true, but it sticks all the same! It's just not—"

"Um, weren't we talking about me?" Lord Jiraiya interrupted.

"Oh. Yes. Sorry about that." Tessie cleared her throat and began professionally again. "So, Lord Jiraiya—"

Lord Jiraiya interrupted her again. "Hold on; let's get one thing straight. If you want to put me in your report, then you must refer to me as . . ." He pointed decisively forward with dramatic flair. ". . . Lord Jiraiya, Toad Sage, Greatest of the Three Great Shinobi!"

Tessie murmured as she wrote. " 'Greatest of the Three Great'—" She looked up uncertainly. "How many _e_ 's are there in _shinobi_?"

Lord Jiraiya stared at her incredulously. "None."

"Oh." Tessie crossed something out in her notebook. "Well, Lord Jiraiya, Toad Sage, Greatest of the Three Great Shinobi, how have you risen to greatness, even among great ninja such as those of Konohagakure?"

"I guess if you're surrounded by greatness all your life, it tends to rub off. I was taught by the Third Hokage himself," Lord Jiraiya said proudly.

"Wow!" Tessie gushed.

"And that's not all. The _Fourth_ Hokage was my student. I taught him everything he knows," Lord Jiraiya continued.

"You mean 'knew,' " Tessie amended tactlessly.

Lord Jiraiya sobered. "Yeah. Knew." He remained silent for a while, then sighed. "What else did you want to know?"

"Your answer to the question I've asked of several ninja today. What is it that makes a ninja a ninja?" Tessie repeated tirelessly.

"Hmm . . . I'd say perseverance. The will to keep going and never give up. But more importantly, what makes a great ninja is the willingness to sacrifice everything to protect others. That's why the Fourth Hokage was the greatest Hokage of all," Lord Jiraiya said.

"A most inspiring answer, Lord Jiraiya, Toad Sage, greatest of the Three Great Shinobi. Thank you for your time." Tessie paused after getting up. "I don't suppose you know where to find a man named Orochimaru, do you?"

"What? Orochimaru? Why?" Lord Jiraiya said, alarmed.

"Well, I have to interview him, of course," Tessie explained patiently, as though this fact were obvious.

" _Interview_ Orochimaru? No. No, you can't do that," Lord Jiraiya said, his tone suddenly serious.

"Whyever not?" Tessie questioned innocently.

"You can't just walk up to Orochimaru and start asking him questions! You'll be killed!" Lord Jiraiya bellowed.

"I'm sure you're exaggerating," Tessie said with easy laughter.

"Listen to me, kid—don't go looking for Orochimaru," Lord Jiraiya warned.

"So you won't tell me where he is?" Tessie said, disappointed.

"I'm not about to help you find that freak," Lord Jiraiya muttered. He made a shooing gesture with his hand. "Now, run along—I've got research to attend to." He grinned broadly and headed back to his table of women.


	13. Scene 13: Third Sannin

Tessie laboriously ascended a bluff overlooking the Village Hidden in the Leaves, where a black-haired man and a lavender-haired youth stood. Breathing heavily, she doggedly continued to narrate for her camera. "After discovering . . . that no one in Konoha . . . knows where he is . . ." She finally made it to the top. ". . . and wandering around with . . . little to no knowledge of where to look . . . I finally found him." She straightened up and pointed. "Lord Orochimaru, master of multiple ninjutsu and member of the Three Legendary Shinobi!"

The two men stared blankly as Tessie set up her tripod and mounted the video camera on it.

"I'm Tessie McGuther, here to do my final segment on the question 'What makes a ninja a ninja?' " She shoved the microphone close to Orochimaru. "Lord Orochimaru, do you have any insights for my viewers on this topic?"

Lord Orochimaru scowled dangerously at her from slitted eyes.

The lavender-haired youth said quickly, "Don't presume to bother Lord Orochimaru with such banal questions! Leave, if you know what's good for you."

"Oh, come now, you're not about to do anything rash," Tessie said impatiently. "The shinobi in these parts say you're dangerous to even _look_ at, that you'd kill anyone who got within a few steps of you. Still, I'm confident you wouldn't kill a harmless young woman like _me_."

Lord Orochimaru sneered at her. "Don't flatter yourself, wench. You're not _worth_ killing." His tongue flicked out, stretching to an impossibly long length, and slammed against Tessie, causing the microphone to crack against her forehead. She fell with a cry and didn't get up.


	14. Scene 14: Unhappy Ending

~four hours later~

Naruto discovered the supine form of a mousy-haired girl on the high bluff overlooking the village. There was blood above her eyes. "Master Kakashi!" he yelled to his teacher. "It's that lady from before!" Kakashi's eyebrow went up, and he made a leap through the air to come down next to Naruto, with Sasuke and Sakura close behind.

"Enemy shinobi sighted in the area, and now this," he muttered darkly. He peered in all directions but saw nothing. Whoever had done this was long gone. Having pressed his hands against various points on her body to ensure he could feel her pulse, he began tapping her shoulder. "McGuther, time to get up." She stirred and promptly sat up. Her eyes fell on the remnants of the camcorder, which Sakura was picking through.

"M-my camera!" she squealed, and would have rushed over to it if Kakashi hadn't grabbed her arm.

"Careful, now," he warned her, helping her slowly to her feet. "I think you have more important things to think about than your camera. You could have been killed." He took off his headband, pulled out the cloth from where it threaded through the metal, and tied it around her head to cover the wound.

"Besides, I don't think you can do anything for your camera now," Sakura told her apologetically. "It's in shreds."

Tessie moaned. "First he attacks me, then he murders my camcorder?" She moaned again. "All that work . . ."

"You mean you know who attacked you?" Sasuke asked.

"Yeah," Tessie sighed. "It was Lord Orochimaru." She picked half-heartedly through the pieces of her video camera, oblivious to Kakashi and his students, who were staring gravely at each other.

"You tried to _interview_ Orochimaru?" Sakura gasped, sounding half-aghast, half-admiring.

"What are you, crazy?" Naruto added.

"I've had worse assignments," Tessie said with a shrug. Kakashi snorted and scooped her up.

"You'll never have a worse assignment than Orochimaru, believe me." He took off running toward the village. "We'll have to let the Black Ops know right away," he called to Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto. "If Orochimaru was this close to the village, it's sure to mean trouble."

"Right!" Naruto replied.

"And don't feel bad about your camera," Sasuke told her with a smirk. "We would have destroyed it eventually."

"What?" Tessie squawked. "Why?"

"After gathering so much intelligence on Konohagakure's shinobi, you can't expect us to just let you walk away with it," Kakashi replied. "We're better ninja than that!"

= The End =


End file.
